"Just keep listening. It's important that you keep listening."
It's harder to post in this blog anymore. I don't want it to be. This blog used to be a huge part of my life. Now it's hard to even type. I blame a couple of reasons:
1) I may be moving on, whether or not I want to. Life has an annoying way of doing that, without you wanting it or even knowing about it.
2) People I care about very much now know about this blog. Every word I type has a terrible effect on those people. I guess maybe I was hoping they would eventually assume I never updated anymore.
I'm sorry to anyone my absence may have been detrimental to. There are those few I have been emailing back and forth, talking things out with. But now that I don't live in Seattle, now that that stage of my life is over, it's much easier to be a normal teenager. Some regular kid who spends his time with friends, or at his job making rent. Trying to do life normally.
That's never who I wanted to be, I don't want to be like everyone else, pretending life is something easy. Pretending I'm okay here, living it. All I want to do is encourage you not to fall into a regular life. Do NOT spend your time talking to friends, shopping, going to school and working and making yourself believe that you don't have any free time. The years of your life you waste doing this you won't remember later. They won't produce stories you tell your kids. They won't help you be a decent human. Go do something out of the ordinary, and don't tell anyone about it.
I don't know where I'm coming from or where I'm going, I just really want to update this blog. I think about it every day.
Sometimes I miss my old apartment. I miss the snow and the cold walks through snow with a jacket on. I miss numb fingers and steaming coffee. By the time I wake up now, the temperature outside is higher than any coffee I could make. Cigarettes don't feel good when you're already sweating.
I don't know what the fuck happened. I hated Seattle when I was there. None of it seemed appealing. I felt stressed and used and uneasy. I felt crushed and completely insecure. I worried myself sick every night of the week. I woke up before the sun two times a week. I rode buses everywhere. I saw at least ten bums a day. It was freezing.
But here it's hot. Here, I've fallen into uniformity. I hate it. I thought I hated myself in Seattle, I hate myself more now. And for reasons that don't make me want to be a better person.
And for the idiot that asked why I wasn't over Amanda after the pool incident over two years ago: We got back together. We started dating again, deciding life wasn't worth it without eachother. We got closer, got insane for each other, got engaged, got our own apartment. That's fucking why.
Maybe she was the only reason I wrote in this blog. She's the only one that made me feel like I could write this blog from a perspective that was meaningful.
My girlfriend now doesn't hurt me, doesn't make me feel insecure, doesn't make it so apparent that every other guy is better than I am. On the other hand, that means I don't have to strive for her love. She doesn't even think I'm an asshole.
And I am an asshole.
Everyone needs to know that. For some stupid reason, everyone needs to know.
BRAVERYK@GMAIL.COM
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
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