Amanda, please read this. I know you won't.

My fiance left me yesterday.

I love her.

I will always love her.

I've fallen in love with taking care of her, and now it would be wrong of me to do so. What kind of sick fucking world is this?

I will always be here for her, no matter what.

Unfortunately, she will never read this, she won't hear me cry in the shower, or on the bus. She won't get the letters I won't send. She won't know my thoughts. God save us.

"Wow, you're so young."

I'm rereading Catcher in the Rye. The first book I have ever read more than once. Holden seems so young, just sixteen! At the same time, he knows so much. Not compared to any other 16 year old, but compared to my expectations. He is so influential to me, I can't help but to want to call J.D. up.

I'm going back home for a visit soon. It'll be nice to have friends again.

thought

I had to walk from 63rd street home tonight. The bus stopped there because the road was closed. Police cars and fire engines crowded the next couple of blocks. Apparently, there had been an apartment fire.

I couldn't sit at home. I went outside to think by the old brick school building near my house. A window has been boarded, and I've been thinking about putting a bit of paint on it.

unfortunately I was underdressed. As I started home I saw a small nerf dart on the ground. Hopefully the kid playing with it has a few extra. I took out my lighter and singed the tip of it.
I don't know why I did, I just want the kid to understand that life gets harder. I want him to be ready for something as huge as your apartment burning down, or a car accident, or a break up.

I also realized I value thought above all else.


I still want you guys to email me. Just to talk.
braveryk@gmail.com please.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Sorry about the lack of posts. I'm trying to write a book. Something like catcher in the rye. I think we all needed a little more than J.D. gave.

Just a little bit, right?

Can you guys please email me things that you have always wanted to ask holden, or just to talk to me, or anything? I just want to see how this "human connection" thing really works.

BrAveryK@gmail.com

Black Betty (RIP)

I got in a car accident the other day.

One week in my new city, finally experiencing the inner city feel, and my truck gets T-boned by a super sized bus.

I miss that truck like you wouldn't believe, and not because it was once my grandpa's. Not because my dad loved it. I miss that truck because I attach myself to inanimate objects if I spend enough time around them. I loved my truck, I love my phone, I love my bed's blankets. I love them to the point of humanization. I know they aren't conscious, I know they don't have mindsets or attitudes or opinions or personalities; but at the same time, I know they do.

I guess everything is going to get better, even if it never gets better.

My fiance thinks Holden Caulfield was insane.

I think he was fine.

Who would Holden have married? Does it matter?

I hate to say the word insomniac, but...

Have you ever had a night where going to sleep was something you knew you just weren't going to get around to for a while?

I have these nights often.

I plug my computer into an amp I keep in my room. Nothing else uses this amp, I don't plug an instrument of any kind into it. I just keep this gigantic speaker in my room to plug in to my computer on nights when everything else seems better than sleep.

I play calm songs, with a lot of bass in them. I like to feel it. I like to imagine the song as an object. Some songs are large chunks of bass with miniature people standing on top, riding the bass like surfers. These people are the mid tones and treble. I lean against the speaker with a book. It makes a horrible cushion, the bass shakes me and I have to squint the slightest bit to keep the words clear. But I lean on it anyway, I like the company of the tiny surfers. I like the overbearing presence of the bass.

Times like this, I wish I was an artist. I wish I could make you all think. I wish I could keep you guys up all night wondering about something I said.

I wish I could give you all my amp and a good book.

I wish you were me. My work would be done.

Maybe your idea of control is simply me taking care of you.

Not every reaction is an over reaction, some things are just important.