I want nothing more than to be who I was before, but in my current circumstances.
It seems with the advent of Amanda leaving, and a new, more beautiful girl who seems to put up with me, I have lost the urge to better myself. Without the constant insecurities, I don't feel like I need to be someone better than who I am. That urge is something I have always wanted to keep around. The thought of losing it is daunting, saddening. Hopeless, in a way, if I can want something that bad and still lose it.
But now, I am trying to make more time alone. More time to think. With a roommate, a girl, and friends who basically live here, it's hard to get time alone from all the people in my life. Harder still to explain to people why you need it. I need to find things in my life than inspire me to be exactly who I was. In a stupid, contradictory way, I was the happiest I had ever been at the lowest points of my life. (I use the word 'happy' tenderly here.)
But I need more than that. If you connect at all to the way my posts make you feel, if you can hear most of the words here read in your voice, email me. Tell me that I've done something more than pointless.
I never thought I would be the one running at the cliff through the rye. I never thought I would slip away from myself, and become so bland, so improper in my own skin. I hate it.
braveryk@gmail.com
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1 comment:
I find it more strange that you have to explain to people why you need that kind of time for yourself.
In some way, I think those low points make you develop and grew so much as a person, especially intellectually. So I understand if you miss them too, even though it might sound a bit strange to those who haven't experienced that feeling, I suppose.
If it's of some comfort, I can at least tell you that my honest opinion is that I don't think you'll ever fall off that crazy cliff, cause you seem to be so aware of how you're changing (if that's the case, what do I know) and I don't think you'd let yourself turn into a phony.
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