I have lost it.
I have lost my mind.
I have recently developed a severe case of emetophobia - the fear of vomiting.
I wake up every night and have panic attacks that can last anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.
I hate myself.
I can't do anything anymore.
I can't ride in a car, I have to be driving. I can't work for more than five hours. I can't sleep. i can't eat without worrying about getting food poisoning. I can't drive in traffic. I can't go to theme parks, or drink soda. I can't laugh, it moves my stomach too much, and makes me worry. I can't enjoy a party. I'm taking more meds than I ever have in my life: Anxiolytics, vitamins, sometimes dramamine. I see the doctor monthly, I have an appointment with a GI Specialist on thursday, just in case any of the nausea is real.
Please someone help me. Please someone relate. Please someone take this away from me. Please God.
I feel alone. Foreign in my own house, my room, my own skin. I can't do this too much longer. It's hard. Impossible.
And I can't write while I'm panicking. I can't hardly think straight. Dear God, why is this happening? How did this happen?
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1 comment:
How long has this been going on?
You're definitely not alone in this. In late April, I developed something very similar. One day, I just could not eat. There was no gradual progression towards this, I just couldn't do it one day. This was extremely frustrating/horrifying to my friends, as they did not understand it at all. Of course, they all thought (and some said,) "why can't you just eat?" After three days of literally consuming nothing but coffee, I tried to force myself to eat yogurt. Upon making contact with my mouth, I vommed. Then, it got worse... if I thought about food too actively, I vommed. So this went on for about a week. I lost 17lbs. At this point, I'm pretty sure my body was going into survival or shut-down mode, as a bunch of really weird shit started happening. I was chaperoning a field trip at a local theater, and thought I SAW wind. I got in my car and literally could not comprehend how I would drive it. Weird shit. Then, one day, I woke up and I had an appetite. I mainly ate bread and crackers for a week or two, still wayyy under-nourished, but I did improve. And now, things are almost back to normal.
So, maybe things will get a little worse before better. But my guess is your body will naturally work this out. Unless your appointment proves to be actually GI related, eventually your body's gonna set your mind straight.
It's frustrating and scary and pretty devastating to even the most mundane tasks, but it will get better.
Keep us updated! Good luck.
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